Did all of this just happened? Among other things…

I cannot believe the changes that are presently happening in my life within the past eight months which has not been an equivalent of a year yet. Yes, all of this has summed up to eight months that seems like it was not long ago at all, but you see for me it felt like a year. I guess all of the build up, planning, and some unexpected things that happened quickly all brought me to where I am now. To explain all of this first things first is on a Monday morning February 7, I walked into my supervisor’s office turned in my office keys with two pieces of paper – one was a resignation and the other one was a leave slip for taking time off in lieu to my resignation date. However, the last part did not go well but I made sure that it all worked out anyway, so I would not have to endure working in that office for two weeks until my departure date. It happened and I was still able to get a paycheck.

Another big occurrence happened when I finally moved and relocated to another state. For the first time in my life I did not let anything or anybody tell me that I could not do this. It was touch and go as to rather all of it was going to happen (financially and obtaining a job), yet so many of the same old mess were going on at my old job, and my life feeling like it was at a standstill and not moving forward that I had to make a move to change it. Afterwards, my short break from the Christmas holidays and went back to work that the job was just crazy and stressful. Now, I can fully understand when people say that when they had enough, that it is just that ENOUGH and time to give it up and move on. So, that is exactly what I had to do by basically put my faith out there in the universe. Believe it or not afterwards so many blessings have been happening since February. I wake up everyday feeling thankful!

My online college course are going smooth, but the classes are getting tough and thankfully I know that giving up is not an option. Unfortunately, the student loans are also a friendly reminder for me as well, that when I have to start paying them back at least by then it will all be worth it.

I plan on getting back on track with my writing. For some time I have been looking into doing freelance, which I probably have mentioned more than once in my previous entries yet it just I feel like it is compatible with my personality. I just cannot see how I could box myself into just one genre to write about when I can write about any and everything more than once. To me, that is the most creative part of writing which is not letting other writers, editors and publishers telling you that you have to stay writing about this particular genre. However, if as a writer you only enjoy and prefer to write specifically within one genre for instance science fiction then that is perfectly fine. Yet, don’t be afraid to try something new with your writing and branch out to a different genre as well. On a personal note, I can just see how that is my niche.

Life is a journey…

I can see myself opening up to new things next year. It will have nothing to do with past circumstances but new beginnings. My new mantra that I have been claiming the past few months will take over my mind and soul for I am not going to let anything or anybody hold me down. You have to feel that way, and as I see it their is nothing is wrong with being selfish if they are for the right reasons. If changing things in your life is what you need to do then by all means do it. An individual should not let others get in the way of that. If you allow that then who are you allowing to control your life, yourself or other people. As the saying goes, “Do not let your circumstances define who you really are.” I try my best everyday to live by that because it is so true.

I finally took the leap despite taking out student loans to return to college and get my bachelor’s degree. With much serious thought of what my major would be after attending college off and on over the years decisions on what I want to do was one thing and then changed to something else. You know how that is but actually getting to the point where you know in your heart and mind that yes I finally believe that this is my calling and not what it used to be. So, with saying all of that I decided to get my bachelor degree in English, well Bachelor of Arts degree that is. With this English degree the career plans is to obtain a job in publishing or public relations. This will also give me a chance to work on freelance writing in hopes to do that full-time, so I can open up my own publishing company doing edits, newsletters, articles, press releases, self-publishing books and blogging. I’m finishing my college education online so all of my classes are taking on the internet with a university out of my home state. I am looking to complete all of this by September 2013, seems far away, but I know that date will be here soon. Wow, just thinking about all of this builds up more anticipation for what is to come.

So many things I am feeling positive about that through persistence it will all fall into place and I can be more at peace. The fall weather is here and I love it…also looking forward to celebrating another birthday this month. November is one of my favorite months of the year. Oh, by the way I love keeping it real for all Scorpios!!

HELP, I’m stuck and can’t get out!

As adults is there such a thing with getting to that point in your life where you just feel stuck? Feeling stuck to the point where you don’t have the answers; to not being able to find the answers or a clue to figure it out – this can be multiple things by the way. Then, you find yourself gasping at the very moment of knowing or saying to yourself I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get to that place where I want to be in my life right now. I think to myself sometimes if it’s just me feeling this way since I’m always trying to analyze practically everything and figure it out. What do people do when they reach to that point in their life? Surely, someone out there has these moments where they feel stuck in a situation or situations at the time. Yes, eventually you figure something out and move on and noting it in your mind as a lesson in life. Can someone feel normal to say to the universe that they don’t know how to get to that place, or to achieve that goal without appearing to be whining, complaining or negative or who doesn’t want to get ahead in life.

Well, I’m learning that It’s okay to have those moments. Women are always known as being more emotional thinkers than men but I know that men have these sticky moments as well. When you do have these sticky moments don’t brush them off think about it, let it out or whatever it is you need to do at the time. If nothing is figured out right away, be patient and go back to it again at another time. In other words don’t ignore it because the point is you are experiencing that moment(s) for a reason. We know sometimes things just don’t go right even when trying our best to keep it all together that is minus human mistakes. They are more rain drizzling or for some, downpours in life that it can get too overwhelming. It is good to know how to keep your head above water, just as not to stay in the water for too long and drown in it. My past sticky moments I’ve been in that water a lot of times even felt drowned in it more than once. Thankfully, I was able to pull my way out of it and not physically and mentally die. If I did drown myself in the waters, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a peaceful death. Nowadays, I do feel it but I am learning how to deal with it. So, I really feel that all of the other things that we feel stuck in is just mud.

Deep I know, but it’s healthy to go there every now and then.

Random thoughts for the day

I decided that I really needed to get out of the apartment today or risk losing some sanity, but not necessarily in a crazy way per se just more like feeling claustrophobic. After finally getting most of my thoughts together I rushed out around 12ish. Went by the bank, grabbed a bite to eat and headed to the library. That was my fun thing to do today, seriously. I can be such a library geek sometimes and go crazy with checking out books. This time though I headed to the genealogy section to do some family history research. This is my other hobby that I do here and there. The last time I did any research was months ago, but with a family reunion in the works for this upcoming year it got me a little more motivated to research records. Got some progress done as well as jotting down a couple of names on my maternal side of the family. If anyone ever do any genealogy research sometimes getting anything rather than nothing is a little exciting.

Enjoying my free vacation from work this week because of the holidays, so my job at the university is closed and will resume regular business on Monday, Jan. 4. Having a lot of free time this week to do whatever – which is how I ended up being lazy on yesterday and slept practically all day. Only went out once that evening to grab some Taco Bell. Isn’t it crazy to actually crave Taco Bell, but I guess if you haven’t eaten it in months you want it badly LOL.

Plan to head out to New A’wlins (New Orleans) on tomorrow to meet up with my cousin to do more family research. This is good!! Also, hope to get some inspiration for writing as well. Still trying to work on my short story, but I have faith that eventually it will all come together soon. Oh, but I will have some fun because you just have to when you are in New A’wlins.

Currently reading, Nora Roberts (J.D. Robb) Born in Death. So far I’m still interested probably after realizing that I actually like reading police/crime suspense novels. I plan to finish this book at least by Friday.

That’s the randoms so now back to tweeting.

Focus & other stuff in between

I have a newfound of inspiration
Just when you think that things won’t turn around in a positive way, they do
When they do it is up to us to make the most of it
We can learn to forgive ourselves from past mistakes
Opening ourselves up to heal the wounds that held us down
That is what life is all about
There is no clear definition to describe it
Each person live it accordingly
You live and move forward

That is where the journey begins. Don’t treat yourself the way you don’t want others to treat you. If you treat yourself positively then your interactions with others will reflect that. The same goes if you are always hard on yourself and constantly negative well that is reflected too. I know because I am going through it, learning it later in my life but rather later than never.

I can see things more clearly now than before, but I’m grateful to say yes I am getting it.

 On Saturday, I had a long conversation with a good friend of mine about a lot of things that I have been going through. She wasn’t aware that mid part of the year I was stressing myself out and feeling depressed a lot, my financial situations, and the ongoing problems that continued at my job. Then she shared some things with me that she was going through and basically we both were just trying to make sense of some of it, but one thing we knew was that our situations were temporary. We knew that the things that we were going through at the moment would get better.

 This week, soon and very soon I want to write down my immediate goals and for once focus on them, I am talking about the kind of focus that you can’t get out of your head. I want to fall asleep with that clear focus on my mind. I want to wake up and go through my day at work or wherever I am keeping with that same focus. Once I have it and hold on to it there is nobody that can take that focus away from me. If I lose it, I wouldn’t have no one to blame for it but myself, and I really and truly don’t want to go down that dark road again. It’s lonely down that road, frightening, lonely and then losing whatever hope I thought I had. To do the things that I want to do by maintaining my focus is the only thing that will get me there to achieve it.

I’m probably sounding repetitive from my previous posts, but at times I can’t help but to reflect on some of these same things as a mental reminder for myself. Reminders that make you think more about things is always a good thing.

Thankfulness

I still can’t believe that it is already November or better yet one more month and bye-bye to 2009. Here comes 2010, and to say 2010 right now it feels weird. Not sure, maybe it’s because I’m feeling older or something of that nature. For now, I don’t feel rushed by anything in my life but knowing the type of person I am that could change. If you don’t see a post anytime soon from me panicking about some crisis/issue happening that needs to get fixed ASAP before December 30 then that’s a good thing. I’m okay!!

Anyway, I love November, not just because I have a birthday this month or proud to be a Scorpio but I just feel more thankful. It’s football season, the holidays are coming up, the weather changes to cool, and the autumn rain just feels comforting to me. It is some kind of rejuvenation and time for reflection, making new goals for the upcoming year, revising the goals from this year and motivation. Don’t get me wrong I’m thankful for the little things everyday but November just feels more special. Has to be all the good food I can’t wait to eat and being off from work.

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” -Oprah Winfrey

Good things and writing

My plans this evening didn’t turn out the way I wanted to – which was to attend and sit in on the council meeting. My coworker had a situation that occurred this afternoon an hour or so before my quitting time and since I could relate I decided to ditch my plans and help him out. By the time I did all of that I was not going to drive back heading downtown for the meeting, plus it would have been to late anyway. There is next month so I’ll plan ahead for that.

After I dropped the coworker off at his destination while driving in my car heading home felt grateful that I was able to assist him, but then I couldn’t help thinking about my current personal situations and where I want to go with my life. Of just how important it is to put good works out there in the world, that when you do it is destined to come back to you. No, this just isn’t about helping out a coworker today but just doing the right things everyday. This includes for myself of honesty, helping others, being non-judgmental and the list can go on. I am learning to refrain from my vocabulary of constantly saying, “well I’m not perfect but…” or “Nobody’s perfect, but….” well duh we all know nobody was placed on this earth to be perfect, right? For me, it’s just all about being a better person and learning from mistakes. Moving on from past experiences and to take each day as a gift to prepare for better things to come in the future.

Writing….

I typed 600+ words last night and not sure how the story will unfold. I haven’t even plugged in any characters yet just a story from a first person point of view. It was just a freewriting piece I did that could probably turn into a short story, of course once I get characters plugged in and have more of a concise idea of what to do with it. Anyway it is the only  thing that I have going on as of now with the writing process.

Procrastination=laziness

Yep, I confess all these years with procrastinating about this and that really is just an excuse to cover up my laziness. It took me, oh 20 plus years to finally admit this to myself, but as the old saying goes with age comes maturity, and if it doesn’t for some folks it should.

I went to a writer’s workshop yesterday at my local library here with a panel of local authors from the area where I live. I heard the word deadlines reiterated more than once by a few of the authors. That really made me take note mentally as well as taking note on paper. Deadline is a word that I don’t get along with too well. It goes back to doing homework and reports in high school. Then in college taking both freshman English you had to have a deadline to complete your essay or  procrastinate the day before class by staying up late typing a two or three page essay. Did that and regretted it more times than you can think of. Yet, for some reason it was either a challenge for me to wait until the last minute to get all of my information together, or either a thrill with a rush of adrenaline of completing it at the last minute. I don’t know but it was crazy. Needless to say my grade with all of the red marks showed it from my lack of planning ahead.

Since I’m an aspiring writer in process I need to learn how important deadlines are. Even though I’m getting my creativity off the ground this is the perfect time to set up a schedule and set up deadlines to complete this writing project and so on. Since I know the best times my brain works more effectively on certain things for instance during the week it is at night. On weekends, I have noticed it is mid mornings or in the afternoons. Then my schedule can be set around that for me to go hard on my writing, brainstorming ideas, or whatever it is as long as it is helping my writing, and to keep going at least for an hour or so. Then, stop leave it alone do other things that I need to do and come back in the afternoon or that night. Before I know it I will see a difference with my writing abilities with accomplishing deadlines, not to mention feeling more confident and motivated. With that I’ll have things written and able to send off those queries.

Would be lovely for me to spend more time working on this blog. I would like to track my progress of my writing, and just posting things that I originally planned to do when I started this months ago.

On my mission to kick the evil procrastination nemesis that’s been hanging around far too long out the door forever.

Such things as this

My own personal projects in process and I must say that I am excited about it. One of the projects, I finally got in touch with a relative of mines in my hometown to talk with her about the family genealogy research. The information that I had was nothing compared to all that she did. Just about everything was laid out on paper and all she has to do is transfer it to a family pedigree chart. So here is where I come in to help her fill in with providing information with my father’s siblings, children and the grandchildren. So glad that I finally went to visit her. Can’t wait for the finished project to finally have chronological records of the family.

Project #2 is getting back into the swings again with my creative writing. A ficition novel is in the works, but at this point it can be called anything even freelancing. Over the weekend jotted down a few articles but didn’t finish them. It’s one of those things where I start but can’t finish. I’m really trying to avoid using the cliche “writing block”. Actually read on a writer’s forum not to long ago on how this person commented by saying, “I don’t know why people like to use writer’s block as an excuse for not being able to do some writing.” This person went on to say that there are various places, exercises and so forth that a writer can use to help get ideas and concepts. Writer’s block shouldn’t be an excuse. Must say that I agree with the poster.

Project #3 is my side business. This side business has taken a backseat and only comes out every so often when I feel like I can ask around for sales. You really have to work this cosmetic business if you want to move to the top, it’s no Avon. Taking time out to organize, communicate constantly with current and potential customers, your director, and definitely cannot forget bookings, bookings and more booking skin care classes, oh also recruiting new team members (commissions). You can choose how you want to move up, but going about doing it that works for you (especially if you don’t like nagging people that you don’t know) is my issue. So, basically right now MK is a hobby for me earning me side cash here and there. I don’t neglect the business because I care about it, want to nourish it so it an blossom into something that I want to do long-term. Still my project that I’m constantly working on.

Such things as this, with so much going on sometimes good, other times not so good yet carving out times to do the things that we love is what matters the most. One appreciates life more instead of criticizing the most precious thing that was given to us.

Hope

Today was a lazy day, well not too lazy. Woke up this morning for the final time after 9:30, peeped through the blinds to see if it was really cloudy, foggy or perhaps sunny and just couldn’t tell by looking through the curtains. However, it was indeed cloudy and not foggy. After going through my mind of what I needed to do around the apartment, and hoped to get out and go to church at least to catch 12 p.m. mass. I just sort of dragged around the apartment for awhile and messing with the cat. Minus attending mass I was pretty productive in getting some things done. Cleaned the refrigerator, packaged the beans in ziplock bag and put them in the freezer, washed dishes, cooked dinner, and took a short nap. Went out this evening to the library, stopped by the service station to get a newspaper. When I got home swept and mopped the floor.

Now, I haven’t been outside all day since going out in the evening, and knew from watching the weather off and on today that a cool front was passing through. The temperature was going to change from being hot to actually cool, but my goodness I did not think that it would’ve changed dramatically to feeling like in the upper 50s. This is proof that the weather here is unpredictable. I am thankful that we didn’t get any bad weather like they predicted. A break from the heat is always a good thing so no complaints from me with this one.

The worst part of my day that happened tonight was when like a ton of bricks every kind of emotions that has been bottled up inside of me for the past weeks finally came gushing out in tears. I couldn’t control my emotions and just let it all out crying. I’ve been going through a lot of things in my life the past 10 months; a lot of the problems stem from the pressure and stress at my job which the majority circles around my boss. The boss has been giving me so much grief and hell unlike I have ever experienced before in my life, that I am not going to even go there right now into all of the details…yes it’s that bad. In addition to that, and how getting another job has not happened yet, my finances (along with being behind on a lot of bills), and no sales, no kind of motivation, ideas, just no money coming in from my business has gotten me into a spiral of emotions. Things I want to achieve has yet to happen, things that I thought I had in my power to change has not. I reflect back and think that I’m still in the same situation, still at the same place that I was at a year ago just this time I know that I dug a deeper hole. No matter how much I cry, no matter how many times I let my feelings overpower my actions, when I have no where to turn, nobody to lean on, I get myself up everyday and get through it because of my hope.

Hope comes and goes but if you want to live you have to hold on to it. Hope is unseen but dwells inside all of us. It doesn’t matter what religion you are in, what your beliefs are, hope is the same today as it will be the next. Hope is the will to change, hope gives us the strength to make it and gives us the will to do it again the next day. During trying times it’s hope that helps us to get through it. Hope gives us the inspiration to say that this too shall pass.

As my emotions are starting to heal for now, I am going to have hope and courage to take along with me as I go through my journey this week.